...and the cold air felt good on her stitches

This is my New Years Eve Eve blog, this is also a blog about some crazy shit that happened; you see, boys and girls, when you kvetch to the universe about your boring ass life being heartbreaking, like, oh shit Moses! get me out of this ennui...the universe sends you back something else, like craziness...maybe it is just me.

I am wrapped in disappointment, I did not pass calculus, I got a "d"...you need a "c" to take calc 2...a most certain defeat, the whole exam situation was stressful and tiring and although my GPA is fine, I still feel a little scared. I have been having dreams about being trapped in a bus station in Amarillo, it look like a mod McDonald's...and I have no money to get home and I am missing a test which I fail...shit, why can't I dream something sweet. So as I am studying for finals I am also working at Bookpeople, which is totally crazy insane...there are people all over the place asking crazy things and tearing the store apart...I really feel that all the years of retail have made me into the jaded lady that I am.

So, yeah, my life has been fast paced, the day after finals I have to meet this guy who might sublet my apt, he comes over , he seemed nice and we drank some wine and talked for awhile, my friend Marisa came over and we 3 went to La La's down the street where we got a table and drank some beer. I was finally relaxing after much stress. I remember being so happy to be listening to the music in the jukebox there, they have a great selection that I love, classic R&B, Jazz, and Blues. I think they have one of the best in Austin. We decide to leave and go to Marisa's but we left our beer at my house so I run up my steps, it was raining and I had on my slippery converse and as I ran up, my foot slipped and I fell, hitting my lip along the step edge, my teeth went through my lower lip. At the time it hurt, but not that bad...not until I got to the bathroom and saw the blood everywhere, I went to the bathtub and ran the water (my sink was clogged), I saw clump of blood splatter on the white tub...soon after that Marisa and the guy came up stairs where upon her most knowledgeable estimation - she is a hairstylist, that I needed stitches.

Well to make a long story already longer, I went to the hospital and waited for a million years. An exciting note was that when swished with Hydrogen Peroxide the bubbles were seeping out of the slit under my lower lip... all the way through with it McClure! That's the way to go! Another exciting note was the doctor told me I would have a sexy little scar under my lip :) I left the hospital with many prescriptions, a numb and huge jaw, 10 stitches inside my lip, and four on the outside, the inside were dissolving, for the outside I had to come back to the hospital on Christmas day and have them taken out. Yeah, what a pleasant situation...thank you sexy doctor for giving me codeine #3 you truly are the spirit of Christmas.

So after all of the soup eating and the hazed sleep/movie watching healing sessions, I found myself working again. It is Christmas and I find, quite to my delight that a massive face wound and bruising not only repels children, but keeps adults at bay. I should have marred myself long ago. They kept away, perhaps thinking I was an abused wife living under the freeway with 7 kids who liked a good read. Anyway, I hustled through the xmas season, my Mom felt sorry for me and bought me a huge tree which I decorated and it looked awesome through my codeine vision.

Christmas eve I worked and biked home, I stopped and bought 2 larger sized Arrogant Bastards (which were VERY arrogant to me on my birthday) and went home. I put in "It's a Wonderful Life" I took my last painkiller and drank a beer. Right about the time that the zany uncle loses the $ - that's when I got up and decided to take out my stitches, I will be damned if I was going to miss the tamale making party that my brother was having, to wait in St. David's for someone to take out my stitches ...I soaked everything in rubbing alcohol, clipped the knots and pulled out the threads with tweezers...it was odd but fine, the pain was not as bad as I thought it would be...and now I am on a rapid recovery, and it is a mere shadow of the former "Nightmare Before Christmas" style.

Now the whole sideshow is over, thankfully...the red/green xmas crap(blood/money) is over, and as I pack up all the crappy xmas landfill we call "caring", I realize that New Years is what it is all about...fresh starts, new goals and new adventures, it is unadulterated and ready to be formed...yes, the cold air felt good on her stitches.

I Feel All Fucked UP

I am sitting here blogging at Texas State instead of being a responsible citizen. I should be studying, richer, happier, younger and thinner. But no, I am just wasting time. I feel very weird lately, maybe it is that I have so many responsibilities swirling around me when all I really want is to be hanging out with someoneawesome drinking booze watching a movie or listening to music, partying with friends, not worring about passing calculus or where my next check will come from. I started working at Bookpeople again, I was working at Wheatsville but I feel unwanted there, sort of dissed, but hey, I tell myself that I have been working on my degree and that job would be temporary anyway...on the other hand Bookpeople missed me, it felt kinda nice to have people smile and say they were happy to see me, the CEO, Steve B. saw me remerchandising the Jewelry cases and said that the place needed me...too bad they pay so crappily. We had some goodtimes though...the softball games...the arm wrestling contests...yeah goodtimes. But ever since started school, it takes up most of my life, I feel like I really don't have a particuliar peer group to call my own...just a handfull of really awesome people who have been there, maybe I am lonely, maybe I am burnt out...I don't know, all I know is that for the majority of my adult life I was crazy and adventurous, traveled all over the world, worked as a fisherman, backpacked through Guatamala and slept in a hammock with a monkey, shacked up with a great 19 year old lover in Amsterdam, climbed Mayan pyramids...and now I am all depressed, eating a bag of jalapeno cheetos in the basement of the Texas State library...oi. I suppose I felt that going to school was the right thing to do, i was tired of crappy money and roomates and go-nowhere jobs, so I tried to get my shit together, you know, stop drinking like Bukoski on payday, stop wasting my money on downtown frivolities and indiscretions...grow the fuck up already! But you know what I found...boringness...yeah, I said it...being responsible is sooo fucking boring, going to bed early, waking up and drinking my coffee, shaking my angry little fist at fast drivers...shit, I am aging before my eyes...maybe I need to do something crazy and exciting (just now in my mind the thought balloon said, like go to a show downtown...GOD even my thought balloons are boring!)...okay enough of the pity party, if you have read down this far, you are awsome and I am going to make out with you, if you are my friend Laurie...I told no already! (hee hee-your my only reader Power!)
the only thing right now that gets my blood pumpimg are sexual escapades and riding my bike...I suppose that has to be enough for now.

The Sex Thing

        So maybe I will regret this, but I have been mulling over my sexual history...or identity if you will. This is nothing tell all so don't get your panties in a wad, but more like a revisiting. I was a virgin until I was 18, I had a rough family life and had to move out on my own early, so I was determined to graduate and not get knocked up like my Mom.. I actually think that 18 is pretty old, we all know that one person that says, "oh i did it when i was 10"...yikes     Anyhoo, I have to admit that my feelings about sex are a muddy mess of feeling fascinated, a little scared, and drawn to it moth to flame style...so complicated to explain. Maybe it has to do with the first time I ever touched a man...you know, down there (I so wanted to type "cock" but it sounded too porny).

        Alas! I remember it well, we lived in the suburbs of Sugarland in division called Townwest. Nestled in the cookie cutter houses was a community center with a meeting room, tennis courts, and a pool. I was 13 about to go to high school after the summer. My friends and I would go down to the pool everyday, listen to a little Loverboy or Def Leppard and gossip...it was 1982 and I was living the MTV life.

       I had the unfortunate experience of early development, now I know that some people out there would say something like, oh, poor you and your big ol' boobies - NOT! But it was weird...see, I was no Lolita...I was the tomboyish chip-on-my-shoulder kinda girl. I always wanted to be the sort of dame that would say to men, "check it out boys!" shaking my ass at them. No, I was the girl who thought, "what the fuck is he looking at?" Anyway, it was a normal summer day everyone was there at the pool, including the local Alpha Male named Parish (I am not fucking with you), he was in high school and one of the most popular guys in our subdivision. He was tanned, muscular, had shoulder length hair and wore a speedo (I guess you could say he was the tarzan of townwest)...and I am not sure if this was rumor or reality, but he was not only dating this popular mean girl with loads of bitchy friends and was also servicing a couple of single moms...now known affectionately as milfs.

    I never thought for a second that he would consider me, as I still used my Lightbrite and read Tigerbeat...

    On this particular day everyone was playing shark, Parish was the shark, he stayed in the pool while everyone stood on either end, we would all jump in and try to swim across, if he touched you...you were out, it was down to me and 2 other people, the pool was empty and the sun was setting. We jumped in and he grabbed me by the leg, I started to swim to the ladder, but he told the others that the game was over. He grabbed my leg again and said," Don't go, come here"...so I swam over to him, and he pulled me close to him, I think I said something like, "mommy",but I am not sure, all I know is that my cheeks were red and my heart was thumping in my throat. He pulled me to him and started to carry me around the pool. He was saying things like "Isn't this nice?"...and "I always thought you were really pretty"...I remember clearly thinking what do I do? I wanted to be cool, but I knew nothing outside of post office make out

sessions and passages from Judy Blume books.

 He kissed me as he walked around the pool holding me 

front of him with my legs wrapped around him. Then he asked me if I ever touched a guy before, I shook my head no, then he took my hand and put it down his speedos, I was surprised that it was hard...but was even more of a shock was that as I touched it, I felt a metal ring at the base...it like totally freaked me out (80's lingo, like, oh my gawd)...I jumped back and got out of the pool and never looked back. I thought "what the hell was that?"...this was followed my many thoughts...like, " do all guys wear that?" and "what is it for, I mean WHY?"...yeah I had more ?s than I had before the incident. On a footnote, the next day when my friends and I went to the pool...the mean girl girlfriend threw me up against the fence and told me if I didn't leave her boyfriend alone she would kick my ass...and me saying "I don't like him, he likes me" did not help the situation. It was scary, but exciting. 

That situation really started my sexual experiences, there was another Townwest dude, David, who was also in high school but not so overt and creepy. I remember we would hang out at his house, watch cable, and whenever he would start to kiss me, I would crack up cause his face as it approached me looked so serious...it made me laugh, but I got over it. One day we were at his house making out in his bed, but we were clothed, he was touching my boobs and kissing me, when all of the sudden he looked upset and got up out of bed and quickly said, "I am going to jump in the shower"..and he ran out of the room, as I layed there, amongst the Iron Maiden Posters and faint bongwater smell thinking , "what the hell? Is he mad? What did I do wrong?" so I went to the bathroom and walked in, he was in the shower and as I was about to ask him if he was angry, my little brother and his little brother walked in, after seeing me in the bathroom with David in the shower, both of them had saucer eyes as they backed away. Later at home, my brother told my Dad that I was naked in the shower with some high school guys ...fuck face. I tried to explain, but I had a shadow cast about me for awhile...my Dad shooting me squinty looks like , "I am watching you" and "Please don't get pregnant and ruin your life"...which is slightly insulting considering I was his life ruiner. This story actually came up in conversation in my family recently and I told my brother Jason that he was an annoying little dork who made my life a hell.

I suppose I could sum it all up by saying that I was an idealist, I was totally in love with Daryl Hall from Hall and Oats, and I just knew that one day he would pluck me out of the suburban low brow hell and take me to Manhattan (I had no idea where he lived, I just felt that the east coast and New York was the heaven to Townwest hell). I was a romantic naivete trapped in a woman's body trapped in a Tomboy's soul...that sentence just made me smile (an enigma wrapped in an enigma wrapped in an enigma)! So thus end my blog, The Sex Thing part one, stay tuned for The Sex Thing part 2, the high school years...I swear I won't be so nerdy.
I still kinda like him

Halloween Blues

    I have the Halloween blues, this is my favorite time of the year and I have to study all week for a Calculus exam and a Spanish exam and i have no time to do all the things I love doing. I suppose that I am bummed because I have no time for a costume.  I work on Friday with a bunch of really creative people and everyone will look great. I am going as the panicky college student but I wanted to go as the Wasp Woman...

 It is a compelling story of science and self esteem gone wrong...I really feel a connection to this movie, and the mask made me crack up...But have no fear...the pumpkin and the horror movie orgy is still on.    

     

    I will also get to see my awesomely cute niece, Iris, in her costume. Talk about scary, she had the Heimlich maneuver performed on her at her daycare...she stuffed 3 plastic eyeballs in her mouth and choked...so truly frightening.

    

 

This is an old Halloween pic of her, there is nothing funnier than a kid crying in a Lobster suit. I carry this one in my wallet. 

I know this sounds dorky, but my expectations of Halloween never live up to reality...not since I was a kid, dressing up and going out into the chilly nite and begging strangers for candy, then came all the trading and hoarding of the candy. But I am not in it for the candy, I am in it for the thrills. I have always been a spooky person and I always will be...so there Derivatives of Logarithms and their Exponential Inverses....yeah...you can't take Halloween away from me! I think I will be watching Mad Monster Party, my good friend Shane gave me a copy.

It is the Citizen Kane of stop motion animation (if that is the name)...all I can say is go out right now, smoke about 3 spleefs and hold on for the ride of your life! Not quite as good as sex, but if you can manage to have sex while watching this, then please do, you won't regret it!

And of course I will watch Halloween...one of my faves. OOOhh it is midnite now...the witching hour and i am going to watch the 1920's Mexican version of Dracula...shot on the same lot and the                                                       classic...they shot the English version in the day, and the Mexican                                                       version at night.

                                                      

                                                      

   Okay, the Mexican Universal version of Dracula was awesome, I absolutely loved the set designs and the cinematography, sometime the most beautiful scenes are from creepy movies, it reminded me of the Val Lewton/ Jaques Tourneur classic, I Walked with a Zombie, so haunting and beautiful. I wished that I would have been able to get better scenes, but this one is cool.

Beardos

So this might seem a bit obvious, but I have noticed a rather large amount of dudes with beards, not that I have a problem with this, men are entitled to trends also. My Dad had a beard when I was growing up. When I was 12 he shaved it off and really freaked me and my brother out...Mr. All of the Sudden Stranger....it was really eerie. I also recall the "post shave shock" when I was dating a this guy named David, when I met him he had a devil beard and stache...after about a couple of months he showed up at my house shaved and all of those feelings of "wow! who the hell ARE you?" came back...he got angry and called me shallow for being freaked out, I calmly told him that it is not your face that is freaky, just the difference. So yeah maybe I am a little jealous that I can't be all mysterious and bearlike.

There are a lot of guys (like this one on my bus) who remind me of the "last days of Jim Morrison" Let's hope they are doing better than Jim:

I wonder how it all started and who is responsible: it can't be him:

He is too 70's. No, i think that it is someone more like Sam Beam, intense yet sensitive:

and yet still i think not!...there is only one who can have this much social impact, almost to the supernatural realm, yeah, you know who:




but i do not think he really looked like that, but more like this:

What a great role model, he was a rebel, wouldn't stone you for being a whore, turned water to wine....okay so it ended badly, but everyone knows who he is.

But I want to reiterate that this is in NO way a dis to beardos...i like beards, a lot of great men had and have beards, ummmm...like:

he reminds me of my Pop

and who can forget......a super wise and ancient beardo.

what about:
he gives gifts to all

and is loved by children These guys are cool, women go crazy bout' them.

This guy is NOT cool:




this guy could be cool, but his appetites consumed him:

this guy was a total dick face:

So I suppose you could say that it is not the beard that makes the man, its the man that makes the beard. Here's to you, beardos and to your whiskers that tickle my various body parts

!