dulli make it better

i feel much better now...have comfy wrapped  myself in the warm embrace of Afghan Whigs and a 6pk of Czech Rebels...don't tell Ma....

today my brain exploded

So I had a super fun freak out today when I came to the realization that I bit off more than I could chew. I started the day off with my physics class lecture, which actually did not worry me so much, it didn't SEEM bad right now, I figured I could handle it, esp. since I just took calc last semester, afterward I went to chem 2, where the doom set in. I haven't taken a chem class in about 4yrs, and though I read ahead of the class, there were times when he was asking if hexane was a polar molecule or not and when combined with methanol would show a London dispersal force...and I know about the forces and such, but I am completely ill equipped to look at a molecule and decide it's polarity....FUCK...I was sweating and the dumb ass teenager next to me shouting out answers between smacking her gum, put me on edge. I felt panicky, I am going to have to review my ass off this weekend and do physics and calculus. Then the ugly beast of doubt came sneaking into my mind, "What if you can't do this McClure?...What if you are simply not smart enough to pull this off?"...then in a depressed state I went to my Calc class where I found that my prof was not as good as I thought he would be, I could barely understand him and the class was in an uproar because he wants us to write out the answers in a literary fashion...I couldn't take it, my brain was swimmimg in a horrible sea of thetas and partially negative sigmas, vectors and scalars.... I grabbed my books and walked out of class deciding to drop calc and just focus on chem and phys. I simply cannot handle all 3 at once and the only solution I can come up with is to take it slow...I have a 2.5 now and I cannot drop below a 2.0. AARRRGGGG all I want to do study biology, and yet I have only taken 3 bio classes...it sucks (the fact that I also have phy2/calc2/org chem 1and 2/and biochem left haunt me) I have to be kind to myself, being harsh and critical will only serve against me.

I am jealous of people like my father, who is a wonderful and talented artist, always has been and always will be, he was born with a talent and a purpose. I swear I have never sat there and pined for true love or a child or a family of my own, all I have ever wanted was a sense of destiny or purpose, but I feel that I have never had that, seriously, I have traveled to the ends of the earth looking for my future...some people might say that sometimes destiny is not so clear cut, maybe it is in the cards for some people to fight and scratch their way towards a meaningful life...or what is most likely is that everything is chaos and random, like the molecules in a glass of water, bumping all over each other waiting for something to change...who knows. All I know is that I am scared, scared I made the wrong choice, but how can it be wrong when there is nothing to compare it to? Sorry to be such a bummer, but I need to let it out or it will eat me up....I say this as I fight back tears of frustration...I refuse to cry in front of the frat bot next to me dammit.

...in these last moments of freedom

  These are my last moments of freedom, tomorrow is the first day of school. Actually, I am not so much dreading it, I look forward to the dark angel of RESPONSIBILITY hovering over me like a buzzard, waiting to eat my eyeballs out. I have been listening to Skip James, he's my fave. When I first heard his song " Devil Got My Woman", it gave me the chills...so spooky, his voice is so high pitched and haunted. So I got home from work and smoked my face off and listened to jazz and now I am here with you. Had a crazy weekend, on Friday I biked down to the Draught House and had some beers, met this nice guy named Johann, after talking for awhile I found out that he always goes to Wheatsville, I told him that I work there sometimes, he said he knew this guy named Johnny (I swear, you now everyone don't you?), and he had been to Bookpeople too...at this time I would like to give a shout out through the Ether to Johann, thanks for not letting me buy a beer!

  Anyway, on Saturday, I went out with Marisa and some other friends to this club Shangrila, it was nice and not as crowded, the weather was awesome, we sat outside and met 2 guys from Arizona, Colton and something?...I can't remember, we all drank too much and went over to the Longbranch, where we drank more, I remember my friend Virginia's husband kept giving me hell about Vegetarianism and my recent fall from grace, he kept saying that I was a huntress at heart and I needed meat to thrive...what a freak. Anyway, afterward, all of us (me, Marisa, Virginia and her super weird husband, Colton and his younger brother, and I ) went to Marisa's and listened to records, about 3am the Arizona boys and I split a cab up north. The next was hangover hell, actually all weekend was hangover hell, i did not go to bed until the wee hours both Friday and Saturday, Kack! Hate it. Why do I do that to myself? I am NOT a frat boy.  I do look forward to the normalizing effect of school, this whole Xmas has been freakish and insane. I close out now by listening to "Catfish Blues" by Skip James. Someone out there pray for me.